Sometimes Most times I feel so out of the loop it’s a very real struggle to pull up the ole woman bloomers and get on with it. “It” being everything, of course. On November 5, here, I wrote Dave a letter; it was the seventh year anniversary of his death and DANG if it didn’t roll over me like brand new! Well meaning People told me, “It’s been xx months or xx years or “a while” and why aren’t you over it?” Exactly how does one get over such a life changing event? Inquiring minds want to know. Thank God I had strong women on both sides of the family who, by example, showed how to grieve. Some women re-married while others didn’t but it wasn’t easy for any of them. What do women do who have no such role models? My heart breaks (it’s something so many have gone through and will go through, if you know someone who is alone… why?). One sure thing they taught me…grief is something we go through and even though grief comes back with a vengeance it also came to pass.
So, the ennui turned into despondence turned into depression turned into a nasty cold turned into something I’m still battling. Between heart sickness and epizootics, I’ve been sick and desolate since Christmas and posting but now it’s February so reference the ole woman bloomers atop and we’ll soldier on.
There have been good times such as Rosewood Cafe and Tea serving high tea…be still my beating heart…and a group of church women for a chin wag, fun, food and tea (especially blended for the Rosewood). One of my very favorite things in the entire world is High Tea and brings back such fond memories of London. Memories that need to be added to so…anyone up for a trip to London and further afield? Say Iona, Isle of Skye, Edinburgh…
Paul Davies is the real deal and serves the savories and sweets his wife prepares. That’s right, an English gent, aka The London Shoemaker, on the wrong side of the pond but for the right reason…true love! (wonder how that translates to an automobile and driving, eh?) I think these three photos of Paul are priceless!
Paul also makes bespoke shoes and clothing for gentlemen whilst for the ladies he makes clothing only.
And the guests (haha) of honour:
While in Tazewell, I bought an old church door, quite literally, off the hinges when the church wanted newer. Bless them! They got what they wanted and I got this
when a Mennonite crew came to work on barn and house. The sliding door shelters a room where smallish machines (leaf blower, weed eater and the like) will be kept under lock and key. Difficult to see but the “ceiling” is galvanized wire panel because I didn’t want a dropped ceiling as I needed to keep the overhead light and things may be hung from the wire, double use.
I envision good times a-plenty! The crew comes back in a few weeks to water seal, put up the screen and do some other jobs for me and, when it’s warmer, my nephew will install the ceiling fans, the propane tank for the grill, put together the cafe heater (one of those tall heaters used so folks can sit outside), then he’ll finish the studio and tack room. The hanging chair frame will be moved to…somewhere else as it takes up entirely too much room on the porch. This area used to be a deck but I don’t like decks nor do I understand their purpose. I mean, why would anyone want to stand out in the sun or rain or sleet or snow when they can have a perfectly good roof over their head?
For those folks who like to see some of what’s been happening on the inside of the house:
I’m still figuring out this new blogging thing and with Inky cat on my lap, both paws around my neck and running his face against mine, it’s a real trick! The person who won the Mary Jane magazine in December never responded so if you want it, chirp. The first to say will receive it next week.
One more thing…p’raps silly but…I’ve got two major projects this month and wanted to know if you have any major projects? If so, would you like to enter into an accountability partnership? Meaning, we don’t whine or complain but, every couple of days/twice a week, we check in with each other to see progress, get help, ask questions, give encouragement, etc. Maybe this is a crazy idea so if you’re interested, shoot me a private e-mail… thistlecovefarm at gmail.
“…in a time lacking in truth and certainty and filled with anguish and despair, no woman should be shamefaced in attempting to give back to the world, through her work, a portion of its lost heart.” ~ Louise Bogan, the first female Poet Laureate to the Library of Congress, 1945 ~
Dear Sandra, Thank you for sharing your beautiful home, memories, and heart! I wanted to tell you I have the same lamp featured at the beginning of your post! Got it at a yard sale in Shipshewana, IN. It is a treasure in our home. Thank you for being courageous and “soldiering on.”
Julie, that’s fabulous! Don’t you just enjoy that lamp? The light it gives is comforting and gives a glow to the room. Good for YOU and thank you for your kind comments although I’m not sure I’m courageous. Where do we go if we don’t go on?
Yes, indeed, we do love the lamp and the glow it gives! It does take courage to share your heart, and to “go on.” It would be too easy to not do either. Thank God He gives us the grace to do both.
His mercies are new every morning. Bless His name forever.
2017-2018 werechallenging years for my husband and his health. There were days amongst six continuous weeks of hospitalization when our sons and I were not certain if he would make it. He was in/out of the hospital at least nine times in 3017-2018. Thanks to God’s grace and mercy, my husband is watching the Super Bowl as I type. He’s about 90% back after taking on a sepsis challenge. This was especially serious because of his implanted cardiac technology which infectious bacteria love. Yet, here we are looking to 2019…and more, God willing.
Our big project is moving from our home of 34 years to be closer to our younger son, his family, and our church family. It will be about 50 miles away, a distance that we have been traveling for over five years since the church was planted. Now in our 70’s, we are tired of the commute and long to be amongst this loving community and our pastor who is also our son. We are blessed.
We are going through ALL OUR THINGS and discarding, giving away, and discerning what we truly need. The sentimentality is challenging. Growing up “without” rears its head again as, “Oh, I might need that.” We just need to get ruthless and not just reshuffle things. We hope to put our house on the market this spring and move out by summer, Lord willing. We have a trust-worthy realtor who is guiding us through the legalities of California property-ownership. Whew! My husband is a Vietnam Vetwho has not used his loan options and so we are looking at that as well. We are avidly seeking God’s will in all of this and looking for those open and shut doors! I am thankful to say that both my husband and I are looking forward to this new season, closer to grandkids, and more church involvement!
Thank you, Sandra, for this post. How I love your home and it’s meaningful contents. No, I don’t think it was a “whine”. I think it is real life!!! And your honesty helps all of us to face the inevitability of losing a loved one and how the grief plays out. It is what first attracted me to your blog years ago. You used to have a side column addressing what a widow needed to know/do. I thank the Lord that I am not searching for that now. God bless you and your heart for sharing…Charlene H
Dear Charlene – I’m joining you in prayer for a good and successful outcome for your housing options. The longer I live (thank God) the more confusing life becomes. I’m not Homesick nor ready to go Home but welcome eternity with naught to do but praise God and/or whatever work He has for me. Yes, I understand the challenge of “down-sizing” and for me, it’s the stories more than the possessions I seem to throw away and it pains me. I grew up hearing the stories, the oral history of family, community, friends and to give away something to someone in need, then to find that person gave it away in turn…is it wrong of me to feel slighted? Emotions are a tender and funny thing. You’ve been given a gift in a good realtor; I’ve had two in life and am writing the last one today, snail mail, to say “thank you” again. Abba holds you in His palm; trust Him.
Sandra,
Love the glimpses inside. Never can get too many. The high tea sounds lovely and scrumptious. The new porch will be absolutely dreamy. Wow. I know the last while has been so difficult, and surprisingly so but He is good and ever faithful. My 2 favorite things about God are His unchanging nature and his trustworthy ever-faithfulness. I so appreciate you.
Sandra, I don’t think this is a rant. I think it’s “real life.” You know how I admire you and your lifestyle, and your adoration of our Lord. As a widow, I completely understand how you travel through each day. Nothing will ever replace the one who is gone from us, but we have the BEST memories and can remember everything exactly like it was. I cherish those memories. I’ve found artistic outlets, which I have embraced, and through creating I am healing. Sending love, my darling friend. Soldier on !!
Marsha, you never told me how the trip to Italy was? I hated to miss it but not sure how this country mouse would fit in with the city mice…? Yes to memories and yes to meaningful work, for you artistic outlets and your lovely blog! Thank you Marsha; you are loved.
Fantastico ! It was way too busy, too many activities and, for me, not enough time to just sit and enjoy the views. But going to Ravello, Amalfi and seeing the beautiful gardens, fabulous high-up views over the Med made me swoon. My heart lives in Italy for sure. Even this Texan could easily live there.
Marsha, it sounds wonderful! If i didn’t have family, I’d live in Ireland.
Oh dear Sandra ~ I am so sorry that you had a down time, especially since your were a little birdie that told others how I was feeling down. There is no time limit on grieving. ‘Because we loved, we grieve.’ Our lives have changed dramatically with our husbands going to their Maker. You don’t just ‘get over it’. It is something we will live with the rest of our days. The grieving may not be as raw as it was in the beginning, but it is still there, and you never know when it will hit. There are all sorts of triggers. God does see us through these times and through them we draw closer to Him.
I loved these glimpses into your home, you have some great pieces with history. Your porch is going to be wonderful as a screened, all-weather porch. Much more usable than just a deck.
Dear Sandra ~ you are an inspiration to me. You are a year ahead into this widowhood journey that we have been given. We will have up and down days, through it all, God will get us through each of them. He gives us friends and family who love us, He gives us projects to do and in His strength we can and will accomplish much.
That quote at the end is thought provoking and speaks to my heart.
Love, hugs & prayers for you dear Sandra ~ FlowerLady
Yes Rainey, isn’t that a fabulous quote! I need to print it out and put it on my mirror. WELL! Someone let the cat out of the bag, didn’t they? That little birdie tweeted on me. Life has not only changed, it’s entirely different. Will we ever know such happiness again? I often wonder. You remain on my prayer list; God has us in the palm of His hand. love and prayers to you, dear one.
Beautiful, encouraging, heart rending, interesting post. Lots of ideas gleaned from the fabulous photos. Thanks for sharing and for the vulnerability, it draws you in
Well Rebekah, some days I just don’t want to be strong and other days I cannot. I’m sure when I’m feeling better physically, I’ll feel better emotionally. Hope springs eternal.
Hi, Sandra. It was a rough 2018, and has been a rough winter emotionally for me as well. Sometimes you just feel yourself gradually crawling up out of the cave, one fingernail at a time. Your home is looking quite lovely! I’m a wee bit jealous of that High Tea – what a delight! I’d love to travel over the pond with you to all those lovely places, but can’t right now. I will go along in spirit! I have no big project coming up at all, just the weekly, sometimes daily, grind of this-to-do and that-to-do. Adam is the one with the big projects. He does hope to get the greenhouse ready for spring this coming week, which means the greenhouse lady will be able to get inside and put her fingernails in some loose soil 🙂
Well Mary Kathryn, the trip across the pond will, more than likely, be in spirit only here as well. But, without a dream/vision we wither away. I’m still 2 months from planting outside and gave my greenhouse away a few years back. (Truth be told…wish I hadn’t!) Your weaving projects have been beautiful! Stay strong, it’s early days yet.
It is so good to hear from you again. I enjoyed reading your post, as i always do. I especially enjoyed seeing the roof addition to the back of your home. I am looking forward to seeing more photos as it progresses…..take care and have a blessed day.
Erika – thank you for visiting and the porch has been enjoyed a handful of times. It’s still rather chilly here and my upper respiratory “thing” has prevented me from being outside other than to tend to animals. I’m looking forward to holding down the porch daily!
Sandra – what interesting objects of memory you have in your home! yeah the whole grief thing – hard to say how someone grieves – since I’d been widowed and divorced before – I think it was somehow simpler for me – devastation, isolation, pain, work and more work – then slowly begin to see a future again. I’ve remarried (two years after Skip’s death) and living a very different life but still a very good life. Great things to come for us both – no matter the years it’s the joys we can discover in just the lovely tea room or my rose garden or a really colorful sunrise – ’tis the stuff of our lives sister dear and neither of us would trade the good for those black days of bad I don’t believe!
Hi Linda Sue – all the “stuff” comes with a “story” so I’m always surrounded by friends. The years of isolation were necessary in order for me to rely on God. I’ve always made peace with solitude; in fact, enjoy it far more than the constant chatter of nothing. As to trading…I’m not wise enough nor smart enough and constantly tell God, “You’ve got a plan and I’m willing…just as long as we’re together.”
Sounds like your last weeks have been challenging. I think after a profound loss like yours you never would get over it.
I always have felt that time has a way of making the pain and loss more tolerable but does not make anything just go away. Dave was your life and will always be part of you. I have not had a profound loss like yours so I only can imagine what you go through. I feel in my heart you can never get over loss and anyone that thinks you can is in denial of their real feelings. Praying you have time becomes your friend and helps to ease the loss and pain. Praying you can find new things even if little things in life to help you through.
Hugs,
Kris
Hi Kris, challenging is a good word for it. It’s just that grief comes back unexpectedly, without notice and without compassion. Two weeks before Dave died, he and I talked about Cathy, the love of his youth. He thought about her daily and talked about her often. Once, he asked me, “Why aren’t you jealous of Cathy?” I told him, “She’s dead and I’m not.” He nodded and said, “Good answer”. Your prayers are very welcome and I am grateful.
Sandra, I’m so sorry it’s been such a hard month for you! It looks like it shocked you that it happened. I just came from Elizabeth’s where she had a link to your the trouble with life post, read it again and then looked at my blogroll and you were at the top. That sounds like more than a coincidence, doesn’t it? I will pray that God send you all kinds of inspiration and comfort to help you into the Sandra you enjoy being.
The English tea sounds delightful and I think I would enjoy seeing Paul as much as eating those savories. Your new porch is going to be fabulous! I can picture you enjoying that from morning to bedtime. I can’t imagine a better way to invest in a house project than this one. And of course I enjoyed peeks at the objects you love inside your home! I especially love the idea behind the enamel pot. I had never heard of this until I read the Louise Penny book about it and was so taken by the idea of the blessing of being broken. RH is calling me to Saturday morning breakfast so I’ll say goodbye and send you a big hug,
Dewena
Dewena, I’m always a bit hesitant to revisit the grieving process in the blog but it’s as much a part of life as breathing. I’m caving and making an appointment with a GP because a friend recommended a practice. In rural areas, health care is practically non-existent. At least GOOD health care but, fortunately, a practice has opened in a nearby town.
On Saturday, I had breakfast at Rosewood and it was as good as High Tea. It was buy breakfast and get a free scoop of ice cream…p’raps national ice cream month? I’m not sure but it was delicious.
The porch will be most used 9 months of the year when it’s warm to hot; the porch is on north/west side of the house but shielded by the forest so not much western heat. As soon as possible, devotions will be moved to the porch along with a coffee carafe, scones and animals.
Louise Penny got the notion from Leonard Cohen’s poem Anthem, Ring the bells that still can ring – Forget your perfect offering – There is a crack, a crack in everything – That’s how the light gets in.
Rumi, the 13th century poet said, ” Let a teacher wave away the flies and put a plaster on the wound.
Don’t turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place.
That’s where the light enters you.
And don’t believe for a moment that you’re healing yourself.”
And the Holy Bible says, “There’s nothing new under the sun.”
I’d love the magazine if nobody beat me to it! 🙂
You sure have a house full of history! I’m kind of going the opposite direction, minimizing. To each his own. I hope you have many happy gatherings on your great back porch! God bless you, Sandra!
Lisa, the magazine will arrive later this week; congrats! I’m all about the story and that’s why people give me their cast-offs; they want someone to remember their story (but they don’t want the responsibility, I think…haha).
Glad you made it through your funk. Not a pleasant place to be but hard to get out of. I’m thinking a Mennonite construction crew is a great resource. If there were more Mennonites in our area I’d encourage my husband to get them to come help with the pole barn we are going to put on our property. You have lots of unique things in your home. Love that church door! Hope your week is going well.
Ellen, Daddy has been connected to the Mennonite community for decades and it took me a while to “find” Mennonite workers once I moved here. Now that I have, non-Mennonite workers aren’t all that welcome. I do understand there are good and bad among us all but both are easier to know about in the Mennonite community. I feel safer when Mennonite workers are here and was told, “You’re easy to work for so whatever you need, we’ll do.” That made me feel great; I try to treat others the way I want to be treated. It seems to be working.