Pixie (Siamese), Hattie (calico), Grandma (gray) and Inky (black)
I’m tired of saying good-bye.
Tonight it was Hattie Cat, one of the first barn cats I brought to the house more than 24 years ago. Old age comes to those of us most fortunate and it came to Hattie, so named by Dave but unbeknownst to him it was my Grandmother’s name.
Both Hattie’s always kept their own council and only in the last few months did Hattie Cat deign to become a lap cat. When it pleased her.
Yesterday morning she stopped eating and I knew she was preparing herself to go ahead. Over the last few months she’s been tempted with canned tuna (StarKist), canned salmon, canned chicken, cooked chicken, cooked beef, whipping cream and half and half but yesterday, nothing suited nor tempted.
A matter of time.
She had soft beds, pillows, towels but chose to lay on the hand dyed, hand knotted Persian rug.
I didn’t care.
I don’t care.
Throughout the day and night I would visit, touch her gently and softly as she was a bag of bones. Even so, last night when I tried to wash her face she had spunk enough to scratch.
It’s both privilege and blessing to be steward over what God has entrusted to me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing “it” right. “It” being this stewardship thing. There’s not much heart left; it began breaking when Dave died and, little by little, piece by piece the sound of shattering rings still too loudly.
When Dave died I lost my purpose, my raison d’etre. A Christian isn’t supposed to say that, are they we? Am I? We’re supposed to be stalwart, soldiering on and when people ask, “How are you?” we’re supposed to say, “Fine, thank you. How are you?” When I dare say, “I’m struggling” people looked shocked as they turn away.
Quickly.
Oh yes. They turn away. It happened today. In church of all places although, why it shocks, I’m sure I don’t know. Is it any wonder the world doesn’t want what Christians have? I hear the word “transparency” a lot and know it’s code for “Not really. Not now. Actually, not ever.”
Holidays are still hard; heart rendering hard and November kicks off the hardness. If you’re solo (no matter widowed, widower, divorced, never married) with no children you know exactly what I mean: holidays are hard.
I soldier on by taking care of those who are left. Including me, some days. Every morning I still read Chambers and five chapters of the Bible. This morning I finished Revelation and will begin Genesis again and have read somewhere between thirty-five and forty times. I’ve lost count; it takes me about nine months and now I’ve begun reading out loud; it’s rather a dramatization and I’m sure God gets a chuckle. I’m taking food to parents once or twice a week and having enough for them to eat twice. We share the first time and there’s enough prepared for them to eat again the next day. It helps my 86 year old mother because, like the woman said, “Who knew the hardest thing about being an adult was what to fix for supper the rest of your life?”
Ain’t it the truth!
I’m knitting a shawl out of Suffolk wool, dyed a pleasing shade of mauvy pink…not too much of either and because it’s a mix, it’s almost a bearable color (I dislike both colors but had the yarn so there ’tis). There’s another shawl on the needles that’s a boucle yarn of wool, mohair and man made. Like John Mellencamp sang, “Life goes on Long after the thrill of living has gone…”.
Actually, the thrill of living hasn’t gone but it’s been muted. Right after the ninth anniversary of Dave’s death (early November) passed, Sam P. Spade, Secret Agent Angel died. He had no symptoms until the last couple of days when I noticed he was having problems urinating. He woke me every two hours to go outside where he would wander around trying but unable. Dr. French could see us and after a quick examination, turned to me and said, “This doesn’t look good” which, as we all know is code speak for “this isn’t going to end well”. It was stage 4 prostate cancer and he was dead the next day.
Shattered! The sound of another piece of my heart.
I’m not going to lead you down the primrose path and give platitudes. I despise platitudes! This thing…this life and death thing…is hard. On good days it’s good but on bad days it’s a struggle. A tremendous struggle and I pull out all the cannons and artillery in my arsenal to fight. The Bible verses, the Sacred hymns, the words of men and women much wiser than I and still I struggle and fight. But I win because I have a secret and it is this:
I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE GOD.
I choose to believe He is who He says He is, He will do what He says He will do. I choose to believe His promises and because God cannot lie, His promises are sure. He has a plan for my life (for your life as well) and even though I haven’t a clue what that plan is, I choose to believe I’m the apple of His eye, He holds me in the palm of His hand, He loves me unconditionally. (He doesn’t love all the things I say and do but He loves me unconditionally!) He rejoices over me with singing! I’m living so somehow, someway when I get to the end He’ll say, “Well done, Sandra. You were a good and faithful servant and steward. Thank you.”
What do you do when life and death overwhelm?
Where do you turn?
How do you cope?
Ronnie will come tomorrow and help me bury Hattie. Sam was cremated and his ashes will be scattered in the butterfly and bee garden. At some point but probably not tomorrow.
I hate saying good-bye.
Yes, this…….
“Well done, Sandra. You were a good and faithful servant and steward. Thank you.”
Truly, I love your heart. You are a blessing and encouragement and your life, hardships, heartbreak and all, bless me and glorify God.
And I’m so sorry about Sam and Hattie.
Oh Carol, my heart is awfully, terribly, horribly bad. My saving grace is God’s and I keep trying. I read some of those “witness and testimony” blogs and wonder…what in the world!? Are these people even REAL? For me, Christianity is a battle to be fought and won daily and it’s only by throwing my heart wide open I’m able to move forward. Have you seen that photo about a female warrior? She’s in full make-up, wearing a suit of what looks like chain mail, leaning on her sword…SERIOUSLY?! That’s insane. At least I think it’s insane. Oh well. Bless you for stopping and commenting; I truly appreciate the gift of your and everyone else’s time and comment.
I have came “here” many times.
Each time I arrive I have yet to leave any soothing words, balm for the soul… no words of wisdom. I think there HAS to be something besides my condolences.
I draw a big fat blank, I sit, read all the comments gathering inspiration then try to think of something worthy to type.
It hasn’t worked, so I leave you with this typed- in probably a roughly and inappropriately fashion;
I have showed many times and left (like a constipated owl)…
My heartfelt condolences.
~K
I like owls and I like you, K so come again and again. Part of the way I work through life is to write about it but I know it bothers some folks yet others it seems to resonate. Sometimes I get private emails letting me know someone is upset. Aren’t we all sometimes, eh? I just laugh and shrug it off.
All to say, thank you. Your condolences are welcome here.
Thank you!
Sandra, I’m so sorry for the goodbyes you had to say to these two beloved pets of yours. So hard. So sad.
Thank you Ellen. As you may have surmised, it’s as much they bring the grief of Dave’s death to the forefront. Deju vu, all over again. wry smile
God is our reason to keep on, even when it is a slow, agonizing trudge. My human losses haven’t been devastating (yet), but oh my, the animals….
Amen Michelle! Yes, the animal losses march determinedly forward so much so, I’ve stopped counting. The spirit and mind can take only so much.
My heart hurts with you. Sam P. Spade was an angel and I was so glad to meet him. Saying ‘farewell’ well on your own time will come…as in all things.
No platitudes here. Just patience, my friend, you are not forgotten. My prayers are with you and yours
Hi Chris, isn’t it odd how people are in our thoughts and then they show up? Such is the case with you. So many people have met and loved Sam and he loved them in return. He was and is well loved and missed.
You’re an amazing women and your faith in God is what sustains you. So many people need to hear the truth as you share it. We are all transparent to God, if the world would realize and believe this! Wow, what a different world we may live in. I am always thankful for the good and the bad, and as a child of God I still hurt, cry, struggle, yet God is always victorious in my life. Thank you Sandra for sharing.
Hi Karen and thank you for your comment. God is the only way Bible believing Christians are able to survive and, at times, thrive. It’s due to His grace, love and mercy.
Sandra
I love you my dear friend, I miss our lunches and visits. I want you to know when you are asked how you are and respond how you truly are it’s just that people don’t know how to respond to the truth…it is easier for them if you just say fine…then they can go about there day not knowing how you really are. that don’t mean to be cruel they are just clueless…
I am truly sorry about Dave, Sam, and Hattie and all the other loves that have gone on without us. But know you are tucked in prayer everyday my friend.
Love and Prayers
Always
You are a dear, Mary, and I miss our face to face as well. You’re right…people are good superficially but heart to heart they fail. It’s such a shame; we could have a glimpse of heave on earth but our large fear and smallness keep us isolated. Dave used to tell me I was Charlie Brown and the football; I never learned. He’d also say I would get along so much better and easier in life if I didn’t take my religion/relationship so seriously. He said, “Most people go to church because it’s an acceptable social club. You go to church to worship and that bothers people.” God knows how I miss him, the ache is deep and wide.
Huge hugs to you Sandra! Love you.
Becky, thank you so much. Love and prayers to you.
Awww I’m so sorry Sandra. And sorry about Sam Spade also. Thank you for blessing your parents with meals. Although our parents are no longer living, we try to do the same thing frequently with our senior friends, one in particular who doesn’t like to cook. I hope that your years ends on a positive note and that 2021 brings you many blessings. I’ll say a prayer for you today. Hugs!
Hi Jill, your wacky Wednesday posts make me smile, thank you. It’s been a strange year and I’m hopeful this next year will be better in every way.
I hope so too Sandra!
I know exactly how you feel. I have been through that deep pain many times through my life. Our family here at this home included our beautiful cherished furred members as well. Going through these heartrending times are such a difficult journey and like you, I get through the same way. I also choose to believe God. And I lean on Him through it all. Unfailingly.
Hi Katie, it’s the only way, isn’t it? Leaning on God, trusting Him, believing in His promises. I’ve always said the only people who don’t believe dogs are companion animals have their dogs on a chain out back. shudder!
I am so sorry for your losses. Your words spoke to me, I see they have touched others as well. All I can think to say is what so many said to me earlier this year after I miscarried.
You are not alone, and I’m here if you need it. I’ll be praying for you.
thank you Elizabeth and I’m so sorry for your miscarriage; tat’s so hard and dreadful to bear. Lifting each other in prayer is, quite often, the very best thing especially if folks aren’t close enough to visit over a cuppa. I know I’ve told you before but I do love your blog title and use the word “wending” all the time. It’s one of my favorite words and first remember seeing it in a poem where “wending our way home” was said. I only wish I could remember the poem; it spoke deeply to me even though I can’t remember most of it.
We’re pilgrims, wending our way home, soon to be where there’s no sorrow nor tears. Even though I’m ready to go, I am not yet homesick.
So so sad to hear about Sam and Hattie. So devastating
Rebekah, thank you so much; I hope you and yours are well and happy.
Dear Sandra,
I have been kind of absent for quite awhile. But this post really spoke to me. I have moved half way across the country, my son is finally in a school where he can learn a trade, and I have been through a few more good byes than expected. My divorce becomes final tomorrow.
The only constant in my life, in this life is God. And I choose to believe in God and I choose to believe that He loves me unconditionally. I am turning to many of the same words as you are, including God’s Word.
But it is very hard. At times I feel like I am in a tiny boat, beaten and battered by the storms all around me. And it is hard to find anyone who actually cares even among my church “friends “.
I am not wanting to criticize, but it is sad when we can’t find honesty and truth there.
I am saddened by your losses. Our furry friends love us more unconditionally than most of our close friends sometimes. I left the home of a friend recently after a visit and two of their furry buddies seemed quite sad to see us go. It was hard to say goodbye even temporarily. I hope your goodbyes slow down.
Hi Bonnie Jean, lately you’ve been in my thoughts and prayers; God knew even as I could only lift your name. You’ve made difficult decisions but, hopefully, wise ones for you and your sons. God and change, which He controls, are the only constants in our lives. Trust Him for He can be trusted. I believe (church) friends care but are so consumed in their lives they, as the old saying goes, can’t see the forest for the trees. Be consoled in that even when folks don’t seem to care, they are praying for us as we are for them. I do understand…there’s only so much a person can carry (even with God’s help) and our little boats do seem adrift so often.
I’ve found a good night’s sleep (sometimes aided with aspirin) works wonders and gives new strength for the day’s dawning. Night before last I slept ten hours and it was wonderful! Take care, you’re on my prayer list. grace, love and peace to you…
Oh Sandra, I’m so sorry for you loss! There are so many parts of this fragile human existence that seem to have no reconciliation, accounts out of balance. Losing loved ones is one of those times. I was thinking of you yesterday, wondering how you are. Your newsletter with Sunday scriptures have made a difference in my life and I appreciate you. May God give you extra grace and comfort. I hope your coming winter holds more beauty than starkness, more warmth than cold, more fullness than empty. You’re in my prayers. <3
Hi Julia, so Very well put and thank you! “Out of balance”…strikes a chord with me…it’s so true. All of creation is out of balance and groaning with anticipation at Christ’s return. While I’m ready to go, I’m not homesick but will be glad to see that great cloud of witnesses gone ahead as well as my beloved animals. Julia, this is very strange…very strange indeed but last night I dreamed your name. I have NO idea what the dream was about but I distinctly remember Julia Monroe. ???
Thank you for blessing me with your kindness…those Sabbath Keeping posts haven’t been around for a long while…this relocation I made seems to take all my energy or maybe it’s just the age galloping up on me. It could also be I’ve lost animals every year I’ve lived here and that’s so difficult, so hard. As to winter…one of my favorite seasons (I have four…smile) and I enjoy the quietness and the preparation for new life. Edna O’Brien said, “In a way Winter is the real Spring – the time when the inner things happen, the resurgence of nature.”
It’s like faith; just because we can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not real.
Oh Sandra, your words cut straight to my heart, because every word you wrote I’ve said in my head more times than I can count. I’ve had a year of losses myself – my beloved brother dropped from a heart attack one gorgeous June morning and a beloved friend lost her LONG 8 year battle with breast cancer last month. The pain of losing a beloved pet is heartbreaking as well – been there more times than I care to remember. Holidays are hard (and joyful) – LIFE is hard (and joyful). Like you, I turn to God and the word when it all threatens to overwhelm me (often these days) and I choose to believe God as well – although I confess sometimes I really just DONT GET IT). 😬. Sending you a big virtual hug. I hate goodbyes too. There have been far too many lately.
Prudence, we’re all carrying grief and hurt, pain and loss. It’s been a hard year and for many, a hard life but God is faithful. I don’t claim to understand but I do choose to believe in Him and He increases my faith. I am sorry for your losses, the deaths of your beloved brother and friend. God is faithful; He holds us in His love and underneath are His everlasting arms.