Once the wintery mix stopped, it began raining and it’s rained and rained and rained and…it’s still raining. We’ve had a few hours of sunshine in the last couple of weeks but, at the moment, can’t really remember when. Perhaps last week…? A lot of rain isn’t conducive to a positive mental attitude; at least, it’s not for me. I’m trying to deal with it but as Dave would say, “yes, you’re certainly trying.” -smile- His sense of humor is sorely missed.
What with my birthday last month, this month the sixth month anniversary of his death followed by his birthday two days later, life has been, as you may well imagine, full of shadows. Daily it seems, I’m stepping on shadows and memories of days gone by, trips taken, words spoken, dreams past, present but not future. At least, not with Dave. The danger is in falling into and staying in the rut of memory; it’s so much easier than dealing with daily life.
Yet, daily life is what pulls me through the day, towards the night, bed, sleep, wakefulness and dreams to get up and do it all over again daily. Life like water, being poured out toward eternity trying to make intelligent decisions, wise choices and not coming across like a lunatical moron. Some days it’s easier, more difficult, than others. Some days I’m believable, other days…not so much.
Recently Ann Kroeker wrote that a Pastor Kirk preached on Four Decisions That Will Change Your Life. His life changing decisions were work out/exercise daily, journal daily, memorize Scripture daily and give the Lord the first hour of every day.
Kroeker quotes A. W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God, “The idea of cultivation and exercise, so dear to the saints of old, has now no place in our total religious picture. It is too slow, too common. We now demand glamour and fast flowing dramatic action. A generation of Christians reared among push buttons and automatic machines is impatient of slower and less direct methods of reaching their goals. We have been trying to apply machine-age methods to our relations with God.”
In that slowness, that common pace, I am, at least, on target. I could no more rush or speed ahead right now than I could fly without wings. There are those who tell me I need to do this or that or the other; I listen, sometimes I even think politely, and then do exactly what I need to do right now. Take care of me, the animals, the farm, me. In the meantime, I work on my four decisions, some I’ve been doing for decades, others I do sporadically and rue my lack of discipline.
Joyce Meyer once said she spends the first few hours each morning with the Lord because “it takes me a long time to get nice in the morning”. That amused me because it also takes me a while to get nice in the morning. Unlike you, I’m not a naturally nice person; spending the first couple of hours with God means I have a better chance at making it through the rest of the day without doing harm to others or myself. And, yes, sometimes I am even successful.
Decades gone by, people would take a year to grieve and mourn the loss of a spouse. Now, if you’re not back at work the Monday after the Saturday funeral, people wonder what’s the problem. The problem is emotions are messy and most want to rush by them without letting them have an impact. Call me crazy but I’m trying to deal with the grief now so it doesn’t pop up later. Is that possible, do you think?
Life has taken a turn and I’m trying to adjust, watching my life pour like water, feet attempting to dodge stepping on shadows. And, no, I’m not always successful.
Blessings ~ rain ~ sunny days ~ decisions ~ Kirk ~ Tozer ~ Meyer ~ Kroeker ~